Wednesday, October 25, 2006

High School Insecurities

It’s funny because when I was in high school (and cute) (and thin), I had this horrible self-image problem. I was constantly worried that I wasn’t good enough, fast enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for anyone to care. This was exacerbated when I moved in between 9th and 10th grade. I had just started to make friends, and now I had to start over again.

When I walked, it was with my head down. I didn’t want anyone to notice that I was the “new kid” (and in a small town like this, a new kid is practically front page news). I didn’t want to feel all the eyes on me. And I didn’t open up. Which meant that it took me a long time to make friends. Even when I did finally make those friends, I didn't really let anyone in.

It amazes me how truly insecure I was. And you know what’s even more strange? The fact that now, when I walk into that high school, my head instantly goes down, my arms hug around my middle and I can’t wait to get out of there.

So why is that? It’s not like I was picked on or anything. I was probably even one of the Populars if you got right down to it. I just don’t understand how those insecurities can still be hidden in me now, almost ten years later. When everywhere else I walk, it is with my head high, meeting everyone with a smile. I don’t think there’s a person I know who would consider the 26 year old (who’s now not so cute) (or thin) me insecure.

But I must still be. Or maybe it’s just that school. Coming into a small town and not being aware of how the system works is scary. Luckily I had a cousin here that showed me the ropes. Warned me which people to stay away from, and got me in with the very dear friends that I had while in school.

What about you? Did you spend your high school years with those insecure feelings? Have you walked back into your high school since then & felt them again? Discuss amongst yourselves. . .


ANO said...

I don't recall feeling any insecurities in high school. Then again I knew most of the kids from early schooling and I wasn't in any certain "cliques."I kinda talked to everyone.

I'm probably more insecure now then I was then.

Jenn said...

I had insecurities, but mine were a tad different. Being homeschooled I was fine with other homeschooled students, but when I took some extra classes at the high school I became really insecure. I would hardly talk to anyone.

I guess it's because I felt they wouldn't understand. When I did talk to people I got tired of explaining the whole "I'm homeschooled, but I can still take classes thing."

Bug said...

I really didn't have any, I just puttered along doing what I did. Then again I found out about a year ago from an old classmate that I was considered "popular" so who knows.

I recently went back and the only ickyness I noticed was how many of my loser ex-boyfriends were still around *chuckle*

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure everyone is insecure in highschool. I think that's what highschool is for. Junior highschool is supposed to embarass you, and highschool allows you to wallow in that embarassment.

KimberlyDi said...

What I still feel is a sense of Smallness. I'm not a midget at 5'5", but most highschoolers towered about me when I was a freshman and when I was a senior. Now, as an adult, they still tower above me (including my son).

Highschool wasn't pleasant for me. I still wish I could go back, knowing what I know now. :)

Anonymous said...

I had some insecurities, but I haven't had the opportunity to go back and see if they still exist - since my high school was torn down several years ago.

Anonymous said...

I was very insecure in high school and very thin! I have always looked back and wished I had enjoyed the being thin thing more!!!
I now teach at the same high school and sometimes the securities I had about getting respect and being liked by some of my teachers still happen (many of them are still there!).

Stephanie said...

Most of High School I was severely depressed that bordered on suicide. (Yes, I thought about it.) The sad part is that no one noticed! Even after I tried to tell people.

That kind of tainted my view of those years.

ficklechick said...

I'm constantly having conversations wtih my 15 year old daughter about this. I try to tell her how she should be secure and have self confidence now instead of waiting until she's 30 like me!

That's what people find attractive is self confidence!

Of course she doesn't listen to me. ;)