You gotta pucker up your lipsh like dish. . .

So I just got back from the dentist. Two hours of Nitrous and I feel like I got an extra night's sleep! On the downside, though, my lips feel like a duck bill and I'm kinda talking like Sebastian in the scene that the quote ^up there comes from (Little Mermaid, for those of you living under a rock and don't recognize that cute little crab). Anyway, my brain is still coming down, so for your entertainment today, I present "Redneck Pickup Lines" (Courtesy of a friend's email):


Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

*Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

*My Love fer you is like diarrhea.I can't hold it in.

*If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

*You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

*Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

*Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
and.... the best for last!

*Yer face reminds me of a wrench,.......................every time I
think of it my nuts tighten up.

My apologies to anyone coming here and expecting something high class and insightful, but I'm numb up to my eyeballs and haven't eaten anything since last night.

Catch y'all after the comedown. . .

Realization of Humanity

So here's a funny story. . . I didn't get to sleep until about 3:00 this morning because I was scared I was having a heart attack. My left shoulder hurt something fierce and I had a little tingly sensation from my left earlobe down to my elbow. It freaked me the hell out. So I called the ER and they told me that it was probably a pinched nerve--nothing to be concerned with.

But when I woke up this morning, it still hurt, and I started to feel nauseous at work. This time I called the clinic, figuring I'd make an appointment for the end of the day. The receptionist kept me on the line until she could find a nurse, who then told me that I needed to be there right. now. I was at my other job, so I had to drive the 10 miles back to town so I could get to the doctor. They were concerned as to weather or not I was safe to drive. "I'm fine" I told them.

I drove 80 mph because I was *not* fine to drive. I was scared out of my wits. The whole drive, I could feel my heart in my throat and I was just crying and praying. Then I got to the clinic and felt like I was going to pass out in the waiting room. "Great" I thought "I'm going to freaking die in a waiting room."

I finally got into the doctor, who took my blood pressure and ordered blood drawn and an EKG. Then I had to wait. And wait. And wait some more. After about a half hour of worrying, he finally came back. Everything is normal (Praise the Good Lord). My blood pressure was a little high, but figuring the stress I was under for the hour before they took it, that was to be understood.

My orders were to come back in a couple of weeks and have my bp checked again. Other than that, I'm as healthy as can be.

But I can't tell you how insane that fear was. Fear that I wasn't going to see my family again. Fear that my kids were going to grow up without their mommy. Fear that I was going to miss out on so many more things over the rest of their lives.

So that's it. I'm on the workout plan hardcore next week. Because I will NOT make my kids grow up without their mommy.

Off to go hug everyone a little tighter. . .

The Stupidification of our Youth

We had parent teacher conferences on Tuesday. Of course, Diva and CJ are lovely and the teachers love having them in class, so there are no concerns there. The thing that concerns me is the kind of books they are putting out there for kids these days.

After conferences, I took Diva up to the Book Fair so she could pick out a new book. She quickly grabbed one with her favorite toy du jour, and we were on our merry way. I figured I didn't have anything to worry about, because I remember all our book fair books being the Cadelcott Award winners and things like that.

But when I got home, I was sadly disappointed. This book is TERRIBLE. I mean it's a cute premise and the general idea is good, but the vocabulary is atrocious! There are abbreviations of words that don't even make sense. And when it talked about best friends having sleepovers, it said that those times were great for LOL'ing. WTF?

Is that were we are headed? Do we need to start dumbing our kids down to speak cyber-lingo at the age of five? No wonder foreign schools are so far ahead of us developmentally!

I guess it just seems like the general quality of a lot of things has gone downhill as of late. Like the Powers That Be are more obsessed with putting out 10 loads of crap so they can sell as much as possible than they are with making sure what they get out there for kids is good quality story telling. I think of the dad in the movie Elf and how he wants to ship out a book where the last two pages are missing just because it will save them the cost of having to reprint the books.

And maybe I'm foolish to think that everything at a book fair should be of a higher calibur, but good Lord, it's SCHOLATIC! Scholastic should at least be. . .well. . .scholarly. Not like you're letting a 10 year old explain to a 5 year old what to expect now that she's got a BFF. Arrgh!

Perhaps what's bothering me the most is the fact that it's just making me feel even O-L-D-E-R than I already do.

What do you parents think? Have you noticed that the calibur of books has decreased in the bast 10 years? If not, what kind of books are you reading to your kids?

Also, there was a book that I loved when I was little, it was all done in black & white. You would read the story one way, then turn the book upside down and finish reading the story. It was super cool the way the pictures would change and was a really cool city story if I remember correctly. Do any of you remember a book like this? I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the book, so if someone else remembers it, PLEASE help me!!!